My body's acting funny

I thought it vitally important to share with you some of my every day experiences.  By the way, happy St. Patrick's Day. I'm Irish, and so should you!

1. I never seem to stay dry. Whether I’ve just dried off from the shower, taken a walk, jumped out of bed, I always seem to be lightly coated in sweat.

2. My teeth forever have a thick film of plaque even after brushing (there’s no fluoride in the water). I tend to unconsciously rub my tongue over them, but then stop when I realize people are watching me. I dare not look closely at my tongue—I pretend the yellow crust is just a reflection from the florescent lights..

3. My pimples are weird. Cyst-like. Growing out of the weirdest places. Today I found one on my ear lobe. Is my body so confused by the climate change??  I told Ali about it. She told me that her husband’s (Ivan) friend (Lucho) had one on his ear lobe and then it became infected and he had to have surgery to remove it. Good. That’s just perfect. My insurance-less ass can’t wait to update my FB status: Wish me luck—going under the knife for ear-pimple removal surgery—35% survival rate!”

4. I have uncomfortable and infrequent episodes of (to quote MS Word’s dictionary*) “passing of feces out of the body through the anus”. I blame it on the lack of green vegetables. I’ve had one salad with arugula. That’s it. No more greens. My tummy hates me.

5. I am forever thirsty. No one carries around bottles of water here. It’s like the oldey timey days when all anyone could drink is wine (to clarify, I have no problem with that—my body does). I’ve been told that only someone from a low socio-economic status carries bottled water. At this point in my life, I fit that status so I get to drink as much bottled water as I want! Sweet joy!

6. An over abundant production of every bodily fluid I really don’t care for all that much (no, poop is not one of them—please review point #4. Honestly, I don't know where the hell it's all coming from!

6a. First, earwax. Honestly, WHY?? I’ll look on the Brightside, better protection from all the honking.

6b. Secondly, boogers. Ok, I’ll admit it. I like boogers, but not when other people get to look at them. They are my personal treasures. No need to share them with the world. Plus, people I talk to tend to get distracted by them. Well, they tend to get distracted by anything to avoid listening to my blathering, but I especially dislike when my own liquid/solid waste production (no, I’m still not referring to poop. Stop it.) interferes with my conversations. Hmmm, maybe they’re actually distracted by the finger in my nose. I’ll have to investigate the matter further.

*(Just so I don’t get sued) Encarta® World English Dictionary © 1999 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Developed for Microsoft by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc.