I’d be lost without Google translator. Literally.

Google has saved my life on more than a few occasions since moving to Argentina. Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without it.  For instance, I could have totally misunderstood my football buddy’s talking about whether or not we should play today at the usual venue, switch up both the day and time, or cancel the game entirely. If Google wasn’t so “let’s-think-of-a-solution-for-every-possible-problem-in-the-entire-universe”, I could have easily misinterpreted and ended up at a field on a day when no one was going to be there.  That would have been so embarrassing. 

So I thought I’d share the conversation we had so you can see how this incredible online tool has made a not-so-insignificant impact in my life.

But seriously, sometimes these high-level conversations are way over my head.

Alejandro:

I apologize for not having presented yesterday to the glorious fulbito on Mondays with the kids. Q I hope my replacement has been effective for the team in the q juice.

And I start the list for Monday is q.

Manuel:

At the end you can not go on to win on Tuesday. Continue on Monday.

Santiago:

As we talked in a pre-human during the festival on Saturday, the intention was to pass for Wednesday anyway, just in case, I scored for today.

but what's up? we do on Wednesday?

away said there was no time in club west

cat said yes

lilo said he would seek another popcorn

orcajada said, "who will?"

Andres:

We are, I got another, we all do not? because you say the ninth mule?

1 The gut >>>
2 Manu >>>

3 Friend of rolled >>>

Francisco:

I said because I'm half gil ninth. See you in a while

Lisandro:

Jewelry!

Hernando:

On Wednesday goes like pineapple!

Sinead:

I have booger in my sink and I love play! What couch are you kick?  Oh ho!  Not so much pineapple I like!  Jewelry!

Francisco:

Goyo, you want to add? Jack, your friend trasandino? Peter, these to impersonate the trumpet?

Pedro:

was to supply my own absence and not let them into balls, but I really complicates

Pedro:

Che complicated I go to kick the ball today

Anyway if you can not get anyone I like

(The list of players)

1 The casing >>
2 Manu >>
3 The gut >>>
4 Lucas >>>

5 Friend of rolled >>>

6 Alejo >>
7 Sinead >>
8 Julian >>
9 Francisco >>
10 Andres >>

Lisandro:

Give me today I will see if there Boedo court on Wednesday at 21:30 or 22 .. So we turn to this clique that made the revolution of May .. and established the dictatorship of the lumpen proletariat .. With cat like Lenin, Marx Barbich Santi, Nando as Stalin and I like Edu and Manu Duahalde Fidel Castro

THE idea is not suspended on Monday but do another parallel on Wednesdays

Sinead:

Politics and soccer?! The mixture develops hemorrhoids for my legs to kick balls!!  Understand me? What funny!

Alejo:

yes, the field is reserved ad infinitum.

I do not play today, but no game.

with respect to change of day,

Martuchi already asked, so far no other time in the week.

rent can be seen from another court in any case.

Let me summarize the conversation (although I'm sure you did just fine): no game this week.  

Thanks Google translator. Two thumbs are in the air pointed high just for you!

'Thumbs up' translated with the help of Google (English--->Spanish)

Epic performance of Bohemian Rhapsody by real life queen

I know it's been a while since my last post. I apologize. You know, it's just that I've been so busy doing things, like, all of the time.  Sometimes I don't even schedule enough time to sleep 10 hours a day. It's terrible, I know.

So I thought to myself, "How can I win back my thousands of fans?"  Also, when I talk to myself I'm very generous about how many people are interested in my blog, life, or what I have to say. Don't judge. It works for me.

I found the answer: KARAOKE.  Please, enjoy this video carefully. Don't drink hot liquids or place sharp objects near your eyeballs. Unless, that is, you are trying to remove them after suffering through this video. In that case, I completely support your self-mutilation efforts.

I must warn you, it's 6 minutes long and a bit shaky. I blame Prince Charming. He experienced several convulsions from the sheer awesomeness of my performance.

I swear to gosh* that priest bought feminine pads, ya hear me!!??

 *edited for sensitive viewers

For some reason I can't think of the opening sentence to this post. Shoot.* I had it last night before going to bed, but now "in the heat of the moment" keeps popping in my head.  I'm trying to say something along the lines of, "because it's a holiday therefore I write about the season." 

There. That's the best opening line:

Because it's a holiday therefore I write about the season. 

So I'm sure you're all sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for me to regal you with the incredible Easter festivities that took place in Argentina (No? I implore you to reconsider!). Well, let me just say this: sit back in your seat: the ride's about to start (can I use two colon's in a sentence?  Professor Brown says: "no").

 The day began pleasantly enough, see for yourself:

First, we went to the local Parrilla (BBQ) for always delicious...BBQ.  After, we went on a lovely bike ride. Actually, Ivan and his younger brother, Alejo, went for a block-ride. It involved riding around the block.  As you can see, Argentina's technology is so advanced, they've developed a contraption in which two people can ride a bike at the same time--cutting travel time not in half.  Impressive!

Ivan (left) y Alejo (centro) y El Dad (far right).

This is what the block consists of:

Infamous location of taxi driver rendezvous *cringe*

Incredible view from the corner. Incredible place to ride a bike.

 After all that fun and delicious food, we decided to go home.  My favorite part of the return trip: the elevator ride. This thing scares the shit out of me (thankfully!) because it looks like it was built in the 1800's (more proof of Argentina's advanced technology) and sounds like the cords are going to snap each time you (or me or Ali or Ivan or Soqueta) step into it.  But we still like to have fun.

No look at me. Yes look at camera.

 Next Top Models of the Americas.

I'm really getting the hang of this picture taking business. You've heard of the incredibly photogenic guy, right? We're the next best thing. Kind of.

Later that evening, I set out to the store on a mission to buy bananas and cheese. My mission was sidetracked when I came across a most delightful surprise:

Can you guess why I'm showing off my double chins??  Priest spotting!

I've never seen one so up close!  I'll admit, I've seen one or two or three in the movies, and a few when I was a kid for the obligatory annual church visit (oh, and the time I was baptized, went through catechism, communion and confirmation), but this is different. This is just like when celebrities are spotted doing normal things.

I decided to follow Padre Juan because it seemed like a good idea at the time. What I discovered was very disturbing...

A) I caught our Father eyeing the junk food items. What's this whole thing about the body being a sacred temple made up of the "body, the blood, and the holy ghost"??  It doesn't look like he's adhering to the holy doctrine. It also may look like I need to go through catechism again.

Hiding behind a shelf using my ninja stealth moves. I go undetected.

I missed my calling: paparazzi.

B) While carefully following Father Jorge, I made sure not to throw off his groove. It's a good thing I didn't, because I never would have discovered him grabbing something from this shelf:

Doesn't look so bad from this distance. Just wait...

And for the close up!

Infidelity: Ladysoft Night Feminine Night Pads for the sleepy times.

 Perhaps he grabbed them for a lady friend? A daughter? He still lives with his mother? He has an overactive bladder?

Second guess his motives...

My finger. Our Father.

Father Guantanimo may also be suffering from some digestion issues as I noted he was very interested in the dairy section, specifically Actimel (helps strengthen your body's natural defences).

Argentina's not the best for your gastrointestinal health.

However, on closer examination...

What price will you pay for frequent bowel movements? Eternal damnation.

Looks like Pedro Jesus is checking out for the day. But let it be known, we have all witnessed the injustice that's been paid today.  Easter Sunday and no whiskey? For Shame.

Not drowning his sorrows.

I may be incapable of caring for animals, but I still like to pretend I can.

I’m still working on awe-inspiring posts, but in the meantime I thought I’d share a day trip I had with Prince Charming.  It all started with meeting during the day. I can’t remember all the details, but it probably involved laughing and talking primarily in English (it helps strengthen my Spanish).

Moving right along, we went for a stroll through the Botanical Gardens.  It appeared as though it was going to be a traditional tourist attraction—full of posed pictures (like the ones shown below), hoards of tourists and lovebird teenagers stealing kisses in the bushes (who am I kidding? Even old people publicly display their French-kissing skills—and we’re not even in France!).

Looking naturally thoughtful, as always.

So happy to be sitting on a fountain.

De repente (‘suddenly’--you will learn Spanish. Ha!), I saw a most glorious vision: a friendly feline strutting my way.  “Hi, Mr. Kitty. Can I come close to you and share with you my affection for your cuddly cuteness?” The cat looked suspicious, but I was not not afraid.  I approached it.

Feral cat.

At first I was shy with the cats. Not sure how they would react to human interaction.

Does he look happy?

But we slowly warmed up to one another.

It looks like I wet my pants...

Considering the ramifications of my actions...

I never should have doubted my charm.

 Such a nice cat. Maybe you would like to sit on my head?

Mr. Kitty on my head.

Charming advised me to focus on the sites. So I sat down for a photo-op in front of what appears to be children suckling a cow. So symbolic, Argentina!

Taking a break from cats. And from smiling normally.

Despite Mr. Charming’s warnings, I continued to harass and manhandle share my love with every cat I came upon.

The key is to approach them as silently as a ninja.

This feral feline is easily tamed by my antics and seeks my attention.

Cat Whisperer? I think so.

I coddled the seemingly benign cat when it struck me with its super sharp claws. Right in the arm! (Picture my reaction looking and sounding something like this).

Moments before the "incident"!

I didn't take a picture of the wound, but this is how I remember it:

Entirely accurate depiction of my wound

I learned a second and third valuable lesson that day(the first being never trust taxi drivers): (1) I should have doubted my charm and (2) I should have brought hand sanitizer.

After washing the wound with some drinking water, we went to see the outside of a planetarium. I’m kidding. We went to see the inside but it just so happened to be closed during daylight hours. I guess it’s because the stars only exist at night. I always forget that.

The planetarium/spaceship/useless during the day place.

But as luck would have it, we came across more cats!  This time they were sequestered behind a solid iron fence.

El Bigote (The Mustache)

It had a gross eye. I threw up a little when he looked at me.

This is the boss cat. (left)












Then I found a miniature cat and tried picking it up. It didn’t work. (right)

Then we went and looked at geese. I didn't touch them because they are dirty and I had already contracted Cat Scratch Fever.

Disease ridden animals (me included)

Overall, I think we had a pretty good time today.  I don't think I’ll make a career out of my cat-whisperer abilities quite yet. I need more time to hone my ninja skills, study what feral vs. domestic means, and develop CSD antibodies.